As lately my lifestyle has changed and so have I to listen to others relationships sweet and bad times.

A guy brought a tiffany necklace to his new gf that he went out less than 4 months for her birthday. A guy brought LV bags to his gf for every occasions. A guy pick and drives his gf to work no matter how early or late it is. A guy that everyone thought would never get married proposed to his gf of 1.5 years. A guy pay for his gf holidays and shopping spree.

Some Female find it envyness to those gf of theirs that gets all this attention and gifts, but yet not all female will. Some request for one thing and others for another. But yet I self wonder, what is it that I am in need? All my ex bf say I have been a great gf but yet, I never recall getting pampered as such. Sometimes I feel myself lucky to yet get these great remarks from them but yet I felt stupid too. Why didn't I just waited for the right one? Am I just taking it as it goes and fallen again to the relationship trap? None of my ex bf really went after me. No sweet talks on the phones, no courtship, no presents, no romance. Maybe that’s why they think I am good. Because they never had to spend time nor money nor energy to court me. To go after me. Maybe my understanding of how others feel put me into that shoes. OR is it I am too kind and not patient type to play the game? Or is it I am someone that is in need of cuddles? I really have been thinking and really have been wondering.
In some way, I gave up in finding the right one. Should I just settle for someones companionship? Or should I settle for someone that can provide me the romance but yet a comfortable life that I would like to live in? Some say I am too young to take this too seriously but some yet say I should not just juggle around. Is sleeping with someone, seeing that someone everyday but yet knowing deeply this is not the husband you wish for and never could never figure out whether u want to spend rest of your time with this man, consider your partner/bf? In this era, there are s** buddy, f*** buddies, flirting buddies, or hanging out buddies… all sort of relationship status have occurred since my teenage time. In that, couples can name them whatever they like and still feel comfortable about it.

Girl that have really mess up life between their 19-25 years old of life have found a good bf at last. However, due to their past, it makes them look really low and slutty. Is it their fault? But is the society able accept others past? But yet it is debatable why ppl knowing doing so would give them the "past" to be haunted yet doing it and then say, it was the past, I can't do anything, I was young and naïve. But yet how naïve are we? Is it rebelous? Or is it really naïve? Or is it a excuse? I sometimes wonder how does it feels to do one-night stand. Is it really guys have a gentlemans style that they won't be a broadcast and tell their friends that they slept with you before? Is it so simple to accept the fact this is a modern era and ppl can accept it.

The society have their own little perception towards air stewards, models, actress. They have the body and beauty and some even with the education. But yet why ppl think of them as another "public relationship" providers? And they think that those who thinks like that are just plain jeolous of how beautilful they are and how they can attract attention. Winners of beauty contest are still a human being. They would too like to find a bf, but when they find someone who is rich, some ppl would think they are getting "catered". Is this thinking bias? But how often ppl don't think like that besides thoese that is in the industry themselves?

I wonder, if I have the right body, would I find my prince charming? Is it because of my body that I couldn't find someone right? Or is it something wrong with my personality? Am I too stuck up? Too arrogant? Too childish? Or just plain too normal? I always thought of building my career is more important than anything because of who I am and whom I was expected to be. But yet, am I that smart or strong? Is it to be rich and successful what I am really looking for? Why I am putting myself into these situation of suffering for ? Is it to proof to myself or to proof to my family that I do not need to beg for their help to find me a job and a job that would not put shame to the family name?
It is all words. Words I type each day to comfort myself. Words I asked myself so that I can know and understand myself better. Being in a foreign country is really quite remarkable experience. Being able to pursue education overseas and working in a corporate company overseas with a nationality of another country, is indeed lucky.

Why wouldn't I just work as a adminstration perosn? 9-5 job. Go home, enjoy life with my partner. Rent a house in the suburb, drive a normal car. Have a holiday once in 2 years time. But yet, life is simple. Don't have to take any crap from anyone. Or should I strive further for a profession? A career that pays 6 figure, own a house and a car, and have an investment portfolio?

Either one or the other. A choice to make and not turn back to regret. How I wish there is someone to guide me to figure out which one is the right one for me and how to pursue that "happy" life.

I laugh and smile everyday. Joke and being cheerful. But who would really know is it a smile from my heart and soul or a smile that I made to remind myself and others that I am happy…. To come to think of it, I am a big time loser. A real big time loser. Achieve nothing at this age and yet didn't know how to enjoy life. I had none. I envy others who had a great uni time or even a great young age time. As for me, all I had in memory is a unhappy childhood. A boring college time and a meaningless University life. And now, at a age of 24, I ask for a life which I don't even know what life I am looking for. How pathetic I can be. Not to say, really a big time loser!!