Tues 22 Feb

My ex, Freddy is married to his beautiful wife Junko. I am happy for him for he is not just my ex bf but a brother and a friend to me. Junko just email me their wedding pictures and as i went through them, of course, i did stop and think for a while, what would it be like if i was the bride?! Would I be as happy as her? Would I love him so much as she would? We would never know. He lives in the uptown place, have a dog and drive a volvo S60 in Tokyo. Material points and living status definitley he worked very very hard to achieve. I would definitely be one of the best person to understand what he went through. Besides his mum and me, no one ever really knew and care in year 1999.

I was young. Rebelious. Playful. He was more mature and steady and were like a elder brother to me. But indeed, we are meant to meet, to love each other before but not to walk the marriage path. I do wish them all the best, have kids soon and my wishes and blessing are always there for them. Weird, I am not regreting, not sad but happy for Freddy. He deserve a good wife. A wife that would understand him, a wife that would stand by him and definitley a wife that love him for who he really is and not what he has.

To that, i gave myself a quick thought. Am i rushing to get married because alot of my friends are? Seeing them in wedding gowns, in that happy look being someone's wife, am i wanting to be someone's wife that badly? What about my career? what about my ambition? Really, i don't think i never really had any ambition. I just wanted to be someone who is known by an industry. Where head hunters would head hunt me. Where my salary is in the 6 figure bracket. Thats all. And be a mother and a wife. A perfect mother and wife.

In the morning, i would like to make breakfast and have breakfast with my hubby. He go to work, i would do my little stuff, prepare my dinner meals, go to my little shop that i open or help my hubby business and then do my beauty stuff sometimes and then go home cook dinner/bake cake. And night, have a nice walk with my hubby with our children, catch a movie or go to some nice pubs/hotel for a drinks. Seeing my hubby eating my cakes makes me so happy and warmth. Weekends, go shopping and have catch up with my friends, where hubby do his own thing and enjoy his own little hobbies. Visit my parents often. Travel overseas once a year.

Funny, some ppl say, are you sure this is what you want? when u climb the career ladder would u willing to drop everything? when u are well known will u want to just throw that away? As of my trip to msia, one of my collegues mention this to me, Grace, what do u want?! As a frank opinion, for woman if u too career driven your husband will feel tough sometimes. Of course not everyone the case, but only u know lor...

Deep in my heart, I know I am a homey person. I know I want to be the a good mother , specially from my encounter with Crystal, I know I am very in to it . As of my previous ex partners, my tolerance level and my "housewife" look have always been in-place. So i don't think I am really in a rush to get marry. I think I have always like to be a housewife. But yet, I am also a person with character. A person who likes to achieve something , to feel that I have achieve something in my life. I keep on telling ppl, i want to achieve the feeling of Satisfaction with my achievement!! But everyone ask me back, what is ur Satisfaction of Achievement? What is you want to achieve?

As of I was thinking while walking Crystal, what is the Achievement I am striving for in australia?? What do i want? Why i am still here? Is it really that i enjoy the culture and the living here that much? Is the work I am doing now getting me where i want to be? Am i doing all this to prove to my family I am unique? Am i doing all this so that my parents can tell others how well Gracey is doing? Or Am i doing this to proof to myself that the vision i see is the better choice? Oh yeah.. the vision !! Gracey Little Vision. A vision that the whole world think was just purely of "the bf", the vision that ppl take it as an excuse, an lie. Indeed, it was an insult to me! Indded now, the ppl still thinks the same. I didn't make the decision to be in Australia because of my ex bf, Kevin. I know I didn't. But why didn't my family believe me?!

It has nearly been 2 years since we broke up. He is having his 3rd gf now. But i am still in Melbourne alone! So ?? Do i longer need to proof to my family my reason of being in Melbourne is not because of him but because of this vision that i think would make me a better, a stronger, a more independent person and with a better career experience and also a better people relationship person.

I am feeling more homesick than i ever had in the last 6 years. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? You never know. There is always the other side of choice as of the choices I made till today, I learnt, there is never the right choice nor the wrong choice.

I am who I am
I couldn’t change the fact
I know who I shall be
I must learn to fulfill that

Making goals are easy
Achieving them are hard
Getting them are easy.
As long as I have the heart.

It is all in the mind and heart
As long as your mind
Be with your heart
Peace will be in your mind.
Written by : Grace Yong 18-06-2001

These part of my peom have been my support for these years and i do wish to share with everyone, As long as your mind be with your heart, peace will be in your mind.