Something I wrote couple months back.... and posting it now.

** Something I wrote couple months back at work but totally forgotten to post it.

I think I am over the edge. I think I am really burned out. The things I have to do. The expectations I have on myself. I think it is really time to just be myself. But is this what I really want?! I want my long long break. Just doing nothing holiday. Just doing the normal things I would do in weekend but for a longer period. But would that be realistic? That means quiting my job. That means no income for months. And if I am going to start school again in may/june, it isn't possible for me to do so. I need an income to pay bills and to support my education. My parents isn't supporting me. I have to pay the tuition fee. I am so in a mess. Literraly I don't know what I am doing and what I want.

What do I really want?! Many times I ask myself. I asked and asked. I want this, but with this I cannot have that. Then it comes to the point of what do I REALLY want. I want to be free from being a money slave. I hate it when I am poor. I hate it when I have no money to pay bills and have to eat instant noodles for 1 month. I hate it when I have to depend on antoher person to live my life. I hate it when I can't afford to go out shopping for the minumun things. I hate it when I have to worry for my car registration is coming up soon and whether there is money for me to pay it. I hate it when I have to live under the roof of someone elses property where I don't have the fucking right to do anything.

I guess I am once again being childish in blaming my parents for not giving me the life or childhood, or teenager hood I once think I should at least deserve for who I am and because I am their daughter, the extra responsiblities and good behaviour that I have to bear. But sad enough, it is the past and no point dwelling in it isn't it?! In that, I seek for a easy life now but yet I know I have to work my arse for it, But I am going no where. That is what is frustrating me!!!!! I am going no where. I am in a lost world.

I find myself open book person and everyone think I am happy and cheerful. But how cheerful can I be when I cried in my heart each night when I sleep? I am lonely and in need of someone to hug me to bed and to guide me and support me. I guess at the end of day, I need someone to rescue me. Rescue me from this misery. I need someone to be able to take care of me and to provide me and to work with me to achieve my little happy and blissful family. Oh god then, please tell me how do I know that person is the right one, how would I know he is the guy I would walk down the aisle with.

ps: FYI- I have now resigned from my company and going traveling !!!! YEAH!!!